Need someone to just listen..

Currently I’m sitting on an old gross chair in an old gross shop watching him work on his rig truck. It’s 10:30pm. You could say I’m not enjoying myself. Plus there’s barely service here.

I finally told someone else. Someone that is not him how I’m feeling. It’s always scared me so much. People see us as this amazing couple, I don’t want that to change. I don’t want people to think less of him because of how he’s treating me in this moment. He’s better than that and I’m scared they won’t ever see past it. 

But I told someone. My best friend. His best friend? Our best friend. He was originally his friend, but we quickly became really close. He does a lot with us. Nobody sees us interact as a couple more than him.

He said he was surprised, but his tone said otherwise. He just keeps saying “oh” and “I don’t know what to say”. Yeah, me neither. 

I told our friend that if he doesn’t start taking this seriously I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t even want to imagine a life without  him, but I’m scared I’m going to have to.

Our friend just told me I act different when I’m with him versus alone. He says that I act less intelligent around him. I understand what he’s saying. I’m not upset by him saying it, I’m upset that it’s true. 

Let’s get one thing straight. I have a fucking opinion. But I’m treated like I don’t, I’m treated like I don’t understand. I’m treated less intelligent. So I started acting like it. I gave up on trying to participate and the only way I can now get any attention from said boyfriend is by needing something. By needing him. 

We’re leaving the shop now. This would be my cue to stop typing. I don’t want him asking me what I’m doing.

Thanks for listening to me, empty internet.

This is at least 14A

Edit: I may have had too much to drink and was awake alone at 1am when this was written. I had also just finished watching The Bachelorette so I was probably a drunk mess. 

This is still all very true though. Don’t disregard it.

I really do want to keep up with this blog thing. If anyone out there has actually missed my posts, I apologize. He came back. He’s home from work for a few days. Before he came home we had this big talk and I told him once again that I’m not feeling any love. I need love.. So now he’s back. He still doesn’t really touch me anymore.. He says he loves me more. He made me dinner. He even paid for dinner last night. But no touching. No up in my face love. Is that weird to want? 

I really just want him to kiss me.. Put his hand on my back.. I don’t mind initiating sex. BUT that’s only if the other party is game, I will not be doing all the work.

I want to have sex. Why do people make me feel like that’s such a bad thing? I’ve always been such a sexual person and I don’t feel like I can be that with him now. I used to. I love the feeling of his hands pushing my legs apart.. The face he makes the first time my lips start moving down from his lips.. I love how I’m not faking it when he has to start slow so I can get used to the size… It makes me crazy how much he loves when I talk dirty to him. 

I want him to fucking pull my hair and fuck me hard.

Gentlemen, why does this seem to be too much to ask? 

This got off course, I want sex. Yes. I want passionate sex and rough sex and spontaneous sex. I want it allllllll. Guess how much I have? ZERO. None. Like HELLO I shaved every hair off my body except for my head the day you came home and it was pointless….

But I also want him to hold my hand. I want him to hug me. I want him to just look at me and feel lucky. Right now I think he looks at me and feels burdened.

I want to feel butterflies when he kisses my forehead and electric when he puts his hands between my legs..

He doesn’t do either of those things, so I’m not sure if I would feel the butterflies and electricity. 

Hot or Not

Today I felt pretty. I mentioned before that I’ve gained 60+ pounds, that’s because of my medical issues. It’s been a really long time since I felt pretty.. I know it may seem weird but I don’t remember the last time I took a picture of myself just because I felt good.

I did that today. I put dark brown lipstick on, with smokey eyeshadow and perfect curls in my hair. I took what I thought was a pretty hot picture. Perfect amount of cleavage. Hot pink sports bra to contrast the dark brown lips. I was pleased.

I sent it to my boyfriend. No response. I asked him what he thought of my lips.. He reminded me he doesn’t like lipstick. That’s it. The first time in a year, I feel good I feel pretty!!!! I want to share that, I want to be noticed again.. Next time I won’t wear lipstick I guess.

At what point is it considered cheating? Is there such thing as like mentally cheating, or is it just physical? I know I could never physically cheat on him. I don’t want to even think about that. I don’t want to mentally cheat on him either, whatever that means. I just want to be appreciated, I want the feeling of someone looking at me and getting a smile on their face.. Sometimes I think I need to talk to someone new to get that.

I don’t want to do that though. I want my boyfriend to look at me and smile. That’s not asking too much, right?

I wonder what the Tinder world would have to say about me.