Need someone to just listen..

Currently I’m sitting on an old gross chair in an old gross shop watching him work on his rig truck. It’s 10:30pm. You could say I’m not enjoying myself. Plus there’s barely service here.

I finally told someone else. Someone that is not him how I’m feeling. It’s always scared me so much. People see us as this amazing couple, I don’t want that to change. I don’t want people to think less of him because of how he’s treating me in this moment. He’s better than that and I’m scared they won’t ever see past it. 

But I told someone. My best friend. His best friend? Our best friend. He was originally his friend, but we quickly became really close. He does a lot with us. Nobody sees us interact as a couple more than him.

He said he was surprised, but his tone said otherwise. He just keeps saying “oh” and “I don’t know what to say”. Yeah, me neither. 

I told our friend that if he doesn’t start taking this seriously I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t even want to imagine a life without  him, but I’m scared I’m going to have to.

Our friend just told me I act different when I’m with him versus alone. He says that I act less intelligent around him. I understand what he’s saying. I’m not upset by him saying it, I’m upset that it’s true. 

Let’s get one thing straight. I have a fucking opinion. But I’m treated like I don’t, I’m treated like I don’t understand. I’m treated less intelligent. So I started acting like it. I gave up on trying to participate and the only way I can now get any attention from said boyfriend is by needing something. By needing him. 

We’re leaving the shop now. This would be my cue to stop typing. I don’t want him asking me what I’m doing.

Thanks for listening to me, empty internet.

This is at least 14A

Edit: I may have had too much to drink and was awake alone at 1am when this was written. I had also just finished watching The Bachelorette so I was probably a drunk mess. 

This is still all very true though. Don’t disregard it.

I really do want to keep up with this blog thing. If anyone out there has actually missed my posts, I apologize. He came back. He’s home from work for a few days. Before he came home we had this big talk and I told him once again that I’m not feeling any love. I need love.. So now he’s back. He still doesn’t really touch me anymore.. He says he loves me more. He made me dinner. He even paid for dinner last night. But no touching. No up in my face love. Is that weird to want? 

I really just want him to kiss me.. Put his hand on my back.. I don’t mind initiating sex. BUT that’s only if the other party is game, I will not be doing all the work.

I want to have sex. Why do people make me feel like that’s such a bad thing? I’ve always been such a sexual person and I don’t feel like I can be that with him now. I used to. I love the feeling of his hands pushing my legs apart.. The face he makes the first time my lips start moving down from his lips.. I love how I’m not faking it when he has to start slow so I can get used to the size… It makes me crazy how much he loves when I talk dirty to him. 

I want him to fucking pull my hair and fuck me hard.

Gentlemen, why does this seem to be too much to ask? 

This got off course, I want sex. Yes. I want passionate sex and rough sex and spontaneous sex. I want it allllllll. Guess how much I have? ZERO. None. Like HELLO I shaved every hair off my body except for my head the day you came home and it was pointless….

But I also want him to hold my hand. I want him to hug me. I want him to just look at me and feel lucky. Right now I think he looks at me and feels burdened.

I want to feel butterflies when he kisses my forehead and electric when he puts his hands between my legs..

He doesn’t do either of those things, so I’m not sure if I would feel the butterflies and electricity. 

Hot or Not

Today I felt pretty. I mentioned before that I’ve gained 60+ pounds, that’s because of my medical issues. It’s been a really long time since I felt pretty.. I know it may seem weird but I don’t remember the last time I took a picture of myself just because I felt good.

I did that today. I put dark brown lipstick on, with smokey eyeshadow and perfect curls in my hair. I took what I thought was a pretty hot picture. Perfect amount of cleavage. Hot pink sports bra to contrast the dark brown lips. I was pleased.

I sent it to my boyfriend. No response. I asked him what he thought of my lips.. He reminded me he doesn’t like lipstick. That’s it. The first time in a year, I feel good I feel pretty!!!! I want to share that, I want to be noticed again.. Next time I won’t wear lipstick I guess.

At what point is it considered cheating? Is there such thing as like mentally cheating, or is it just physical? I know I could never physically cheat on him. I don’t want to even think about that. I don’t want to mentally cheat on him either, whatever that means. I just want to be appreciated, I want the feeling of someone looking at me and getting a smile on their face.. Sometimes I think I need to talk to someone new to get that.

I don’t want to do that though. I want my boyfriend to look at me and smile. That’s not asking too much, right?

I wonder what the Tinder world would have to say about me. 

About me I guess.

Do I tell you who I am? Do you want to know? Do you care enough about what I’m writing to have the desire to know me?

Okay. I’m 21. My boyfriend is 19. I have 3 little sisters. My family is weird, my parents are split but still best friends. I had big dreams in school, my best friend and I were going to move out and live in a big city.. I still live at home. My best friend moved away with her boyfriend.. we don’t talk any more. People just grow apart right?

My cat is my best friend. I know that sounds lame, but I mean he loves me, he needs me and he knows that. He’s not a normal cat, I’m sure he was raised by dogs at some point. He walks on a leash, he cuddles me at night under the blankets. He gives me extra love when I’m sad or sick.

I don’t work right now, I’m on medical leave. That means I’m sick. Not like dying sick, but sometimes it feels like it.

I used to have a lot of friends. That’s when I drank a lot… I don’t like drinking any more. Is it possible to overcome an alcohol problem because of boredom? I strived on the idea of drinking, off the action of actually doing it. I was SO good at it. I could drink a ton, and still hold myself. I never got all sad.. I was always fun. Eventually I was just over the hangover.  Now that I don’t like drinking, my friends don’t invite me to hang out. They all still like to drink.

I used to be fun, a lot of fun. I wonder how trashy it would be to write about some of my fun times? I mean this is just for me..

Someone teach me..

I finally figured out how to change the font on this thing. I don’t like any of them. Dilema. I guess I’ll stick with this one.. How often am I supposed to post on this? I noticed some people only post once a week. I could write something every few hours… Will that get annoying?

I’ve never felt like I had so much to say. I’ve always had something to say. I always have an opinion. But when you’re a young female who voices her opinion, and has a naturally loud voice people tend to stop listening. They get annoyed. I’ve been told I am invalid. How can a person be invalid?

Maybe this is how I get my voice out. Are people listening? Will they start? This keyboard gives me so much freedom to say what I want without someone changing the subject.

What do people like to read about? What do I talk about? You can’t possibly want to read about me.

I see you 5 people liking my posts. Tell me. Help me. I have no idea what I’m doing.

Do I like this?

Writing is weird. I’ve never had any interest in it before but after last night I can’t stop thinking about it. Everything I do I’m putting words together, I dreamt about writing last night. Although I can’t imagine how people write books, I was tired after writing a page and a half. 

I woke up to a good morning beautiful, and found an old tweet about how much I love him. It can be so annoying because no matter how many doubts I have, I don’t think I could ever leave? All problems aside we just fit together. We accept each other’s flaws. A weird dynamic. 

I can’t decide if I want people to read this or not, on one hand it would be cool to see all these people reading but on the other hand I can already tell I’m getting really personal. Do I want that in the world?

I got an app on my phone so I can post directly. May or may not keep it. What if someone sees it? What do I say? 

For now it’s out for all the ghosts to read. Enjoy.

Is this right?

Alright so here’s my blog I guess? I wonder if anyone will read this. How would someone even find it? Huh. I’m intrigued. I’m going to sleep & come up with fake names for everyone since that’s what the internet says to do. Goodnight empty internet..

I don’t know what I’m doing

I’m tired. I’m so tired…

I just need to have one night where I fall asleep without crying.. I just need to have one night where I fall asleep and know that I am loved. Maybe that isn’t fair.. I know that I am loved. He loves me, he wouldn’t be with me for 3 years, after I’ve gained 60+ pounds & quit my job twice because my health is so up and down. I know he loves me.. I just don’t think he loves me the same way I love him.

He makes me breakfast, he calls me babe. He kisses me every time one of us leaves and he always texts me goodnight & i love you. That means he loves me, right?

He hasn’t touched me in months. I have to beg him to hold my hand.. When I look at him, I just want him. All of him. I want his lips and his whispers, I want his pervy mustache and his obnoxious snoring. When I look at him, I get butterflies in my stomach. I am so in love. He doesn’t look at me. He’d rather hear himself talk than even pretend to listen to what I’m saying, when he does pretend, it’s painfully obvious he doesn’t care. I would go to the end of the earth for him, anything he needed. I feel so guilty when I ask him for a favour..

I know that he loves me, but does that mean that he is in love with me?

I’ve tried to talk to him about this twice, I think. The first time I didn’t get much out. Nothing came from it. The second time we were driving down the highway.. he didn’t have anywhere to go. He asked me what was wrong, instead of saying ‘fine’ I decided to just talk. And I did.. I told him that I needed love. When we started dating, 3 years ago, we promised each other that no matter what we would always show our love. No matter how settled and comfortable we got, we would always make sure we both knew that we were loved. I don’t know that anymore. I told him that.

He told me it would change, that he would show me how much he loves me. I told him I hope so, I don’t know how to be with someone who doesn’t show love like I do, but I also don’t know how to be with anyone but him.

A few days later he had to leave town for work. We have been waiting months for this, but I didn’t think he would have to leave the morning after he got the call. So now he’s gone, he has been for almost 2 weeks. And we don’t get to talk. Maybe 20 minutes a day, scattered through a few texts. I don’t know where his head is, but it doesn’t seem to have me in it.

Our 3 year anniversary is in a few weeks, I don’t think he’ll be home for it. I don’t know if I should be sad or relieved. I’m sad I won’t see him, but relieved I won’t be disappointed. On Valentines Day he worked on his dirt bike so I went for lunch with my Dad. He used to buy me flowers, once he brought me flowers at work just because he knew I was having a bad day. So maybe him being gone for our anniversary is a good thing, I’ll just be sad he’s not here instead of being sad about nothing happening.

We’re going on vacation next month. Kind of. We’re going with a group of people and sharing a room with almost strangers. Half a vacation. I’m trying so hard to plan and make sure there isn’t any stress on anyone else, it’s putting so much stress on me. I’ve always done this, does that mean I can handle more than I think? That’s what they used to tell us in bible school. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, all I needed was someone to tell me to breathe. He had to hang up once I started talking.

Is it normal to not have any friends at a point in life? Technically I have ‘friends’. Technically. But what about when I need something? When I need to talk? I had to force myself to text someone tonight when I needed someone just to tell me I am going to be okay. She was tired, we didn’t talk. She says we’ll skype tomorrow.

Is anyone else out there a leader? The confident one? The planner? I am. It’s strange, ever since I was a little girl I remember people coming to me about their problems, looking for answers when I had never experienced the issue before. But I always helped. I always organize stuff, I always know what to say. For other people, not for myself.

Isn’t that the weirdest thing? Is that normal? The strong, confident, leader of the group.. Are they always the most broken?

One of my younger sisters is getting help for depression. At least that’s what my Dad calls it. I found bad stuff in her journal, and I showed him. Is it bad that I’m jealous? Don’t get me wrong here – I’m so happy she’s getting help. She needs it, she’s just really lost in her own mind. She’s only 12.

When I was 14 I went to my parents and asked for help. I used to think of different ways to kill myself, I don’t think I would have ever actually gone through with it, but I thought about it a lot. I don’t think I ever told them details – I just asked for help. They didn’t help me. I’ll never forget it, that’s when I made a doctors appointment for the first time by myself. I think most girls do it for birth control, I did it for anti-depressants. He gave them to me, the anti-depressants. I would take them, as many as I could. It felt better to be numb than to be sad. My parents didn’t know, they didn’t help me when I asked, so I figured they didn’t need to know. I eventually just stopped taking them. I probably met some boy and decided they were lame. Sometimes I think I still need them, otherwise why would I be writing this right now?

That’s why I’m jealous. My sister didn’t ask for help, and they are doing everything in their power to make sure she’s okay. I sat them down and told them I am not okay, please help me. I got nothing. My parents are good people, maybe it’s because I’m the oldest, they didn’t know what to do. The test baby.

Maybe he is in love with me. Could I just be too blind to see it? Could I just be projecting all of these other issues into our relationship? I want that to be the answer. I don’t want us to be the problem. I want my other problems to be the problem. At least then I know that I can be loved.

I didn’t think I had this much to say.. Maybe I should make this a regular thing. I don’t know how to do this. Do I pick up where I left off next time? Do I just write what I’m thinking? I guess it doesn’t matter. It’s mine. But I don’t want to leave you out of it, if anyone reads this. Right now I’m writing this on a Word document, I’ve just now decided to make a blog and copy and paste this. I saw a movie where a girl felt better after making a blog.

I seem kind of crazy sounding like I’m talking to someone when I’m typing on a Word document. I’m not crazy.