I’m tired. I’m so tired…
I just need to have one night where I fall asleep without crying.. I just need to have one night where I fall asleep and know that I am loved. Maybe that isn’t fair.. I know that I am loved. He loves me, he wouldn’t be with me for 3 years, after I’ve gained 60+ pounds & quit my job twice because my health is so up and down. I know he loves me.. I just don’t think he loves me the same way I love him.
He makes me breakfast, he calls me babe. He kisses me every time one of us leaves and he always texts me goodnight & i love you. That means he loves me, right?
He hasn’t touched me in months. I have to beg him to hold my hand.. When I look at him, I just want him. All of him. I want his lips and his whispers, I want his pervy mustache and his obnoxious snoring. When I look at him, I get butterflies in my stomach. I am so in love. He doesn’t look at me. He’d rather hear himself talk than even pretend to listen to what I’m saying, when he does pretend, it’s painfully obvious he doesn’t care. I would go to the end of the earth for him, anything he needed. I feel so guilty when I ask him for a favour..
I know that he loves me, but does that mean that he is in love with me?
I’ve tried to talk to him about this twice, I think. The first time I didn’t get much out. Nothing came from it. The second time we were driving down the highway.. he didn’t have anywhere to go. He asked me what was wrong, instead of saying ‘fine’ I decided to just talk. And I did.. I told him that I needed love. When we started dating, 3 years ago, we promised each other that no matter what we would always show our love. No matter how settled and comfortable we got, we would always make sure we both knew that we were loved. I don’t know that anymore. I told him that.
He told me it would change, that he would show me how much he loves me. I told him I hope so, I don’t know how to be with someone who doesn’t show love like I do, but I also don’t know how to be with anyone but him.
A few days later he had to leave town for work. We have been waiting months for this, but I didn’t think he would have to leave the morning after he got the call. So now he’s gone, he has been for almost 2 weeks. And we don’t get to talk. Maybe 20 minutes a day, scattered through a few texts. I don’t know where his head is, but it doesn’t seem to have me in it.
Our 3 year anniversary is in a few weeks, I don’t think he’ll be home for it. I don’t know if I should be sad or relieved. I’m sad I won’t see him, but relieved I won’t be disappointed. On Valentines Day he worked on his dirt bike so I went for lunch with my Dad. He used to buy me flowers, once he brought me flowers at work just because he knew I was having a bad day. So maybe him being gone for our anniversary is a good thing, I’ll just be sad he’s not here instead of being sad about nothing happening.
We’re going on vacation next month. Kind of. We’re going with a group of people and sharing a room with almost strangers. Half a vacation. I’m trying so hard to plan and make sure there isn’t any stress on anyone else, it’s putting so much stress on me. I’ve always done this, does that mean I can handle more than I think? That’s what they used to tell us in bible school. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, all I needed was someone to tell me to breathe. He had to hang up once I started talking.
Is it normal to not have any friends at a point in life? Technically I have ‘friends’. Technically. But what about when I need something? When I need to talk? I had to force myself to text someone tonight when I needed someone just to tell me I am going to be okay. She was tired, we didn’t talk. She says we’ll skype tomorrow.
Is anyone else out there a leader? The confident one? The planner? I am. It’s strange, ever since I was a little girl I remember people coming to me about their problems, looking for answers when I had never experienced the issue before. But I always helped. I always organize stuff, I always know what to say. For other people, not for myself.
Isn’t that the weirdest thing? Is that normal? The strong, confident, leader of the group.. Are they always the most broken?
One of my younger sisters is getting help for depression. At least that’s what my Dad calls it. I found bad stuff in her journal, and I showed him. Is it bad that I’m jealous? Don’t get me wrong here – I’m so happy she’s getting help. She needs it, she’s just really lost in her own mind. She’s only 12.
When I was 14 I went to my parents and asked for help. I used to think of different ways to kill myself, I don’t think I would have ever actually gone through with it, but I thought about it a lot. I don’t think I ever told them details – I just asked for help. They didn’t help me. I’ll never forget it, that’s when I made a doctors appointment for the first time by myself. I think most girls do it for birth control, I did it for anti-depressants. He gave them to me, the anti-depressants. I would take them, as many as I could. It felt better to be numb than to be sad. My parents didn’t know, they didn’t help me when I asked, so I figured they didn’t need to know. I eventually just stopped taking them. I probably met some boy and decided they were lame. Sometimes I think I still need them, otherwise why would I be writing this right now?
That’s why I’m jealous. My sister didn’t ask for help, and they are doing everything in their power to make sure she’s okay. I sat them down and told them I am not okay, please help me. I got nothing. My parents are good people, maybe it’s because I’m the oldest, they didn’t know what to do. The test baby.
Maybe he is in love with me. Could I just be too blind to see it? Could I just be projecting all of these other issues into our relationship? I want that to be the answer. I don’t want us to be the problem. I want my other problems to be the problem. At least then I know that I can be loved.
I didn’t think I had this much to say.. Maybe I should make this a regular thing. I don’t know how to do this. Do I pick up where I left off next time? Do I just write what I’m thinking? I guess it doesn’t matter. It’s mine. But I don’t want to leave you out of it, if anyone reads this. Right now I’m writing this on a Word document, I’ve just now decided to make a blog and copy and paste this. I saw a movie where a girl felt better after making a blog.
I seem kind of crazy sounding like I’m talking to someone when I’m typing on a Word document. I’m not crazy.
lifeeetc 